This article appeared in the Diocese of Covington, KY paper The Messenger 

Daughter Betrothed……

                                        Jesus Groom……

I doubt there is a father who when handed his daughter to hold for the first time in the hospital, doesn’t project years forward to the day he will give her away after escorting her down the aisle. August 15^th the Feast of the Assumption approached like the 51 times before in my life, except this time the Feast day would include my daughter Lauren’s walk down the aisle.

Instead of the traditional procession of bridesmaids and groomsmen, in processed a Cardinal, four Bishops, and an additional 60 clergy from multiple dioceses to concelebrate this special Mass. After the procession of clergy I turned to the back of church to find my daughter, Lauren, ready to lead eighteen women forward in a celebration of commitment. Lauren finally stood before her bishop Rev. Thomas John Paprocki (Springfield, IL), her Provincial Mother Regina Pacis, her community of sisters and the congregation, not to commit her life and fidelity to one man, but to commit her life to Jesus Christ in service to her community, and be received into the Sisters of St. Francis the Martyr St. George.

I often dreamt of the day I would lift Lauren’s white veil, kiss her gently and give her away. This day however instead of a lace veil covering her face she would leave the sanctuary and return in her habit crowned in a white veil that she will wear for the next 2 years, taking the name not of her husband, but one divinely chosen – Sr. M. Gemma. This is Sr. Gemma’s first formal step in answering God’s call to consecrated life. How often in the New Testament are we confronted with the request, “Come Follow Me”? My daughter, Sr. Gemma, was beckoned to follow Christ, a call she could not ignore, she accepted and changed her life and the lives of all those who love her…. forever.

To be an intimate witness to a life answering and surrendering to God’s call is awe inspiring; you can’t help but be deeply touched by the process. Through Sr. Gemma’s (Lauren’s) journey, I was confronted with the desire to examine my own life of faith. To see one so young freely and happily void her life of “STUFF” and fill that vacancy with prayer, the sacraments, her sister community and the will of God, reset my priorities.

My dream for my daughter, although considerably different than the one I had built over the years has been realized. Sr. Gemma is happier, more joyful, and more fulfilled than I could have ever imagined. She is surrounded by, loved, and cared for by a strong and vibrant community of women religious that is experiencing incredible growth. On her day of Reception she was one of two Postulants received into the Novitiate, three professed First Vows, and thirteen made Final Vows.

Sr. M. Gemma FSGM formerly Lauren Kissel

A Blessed Catholic Father,

Tom Kissel

I want to start by saying the process of my daughter exploring and eventually entering religious life as a consecrated women has been one of the most blessed, and challenging stages of my life. It has taken me through a multitude of emotional, thought provoking, and life changing situations, that I never thought possible in such a few short years.

This journey was not just my daughter’s, but became mine as well. It asked of me, a level of unconditional love and support not yet required of me with her up to that point. It also asked me to evaluate my life both spiritually, and secularly and question where I was, and where my life should go from there.

So as you read on please know there is truthful raw emotion in the beginning of my journey that does arrive to an incredible level of joy and happiness in present day. 

Tom’s Story:

I saw the possibility of my daughter’s path to religious life years before she did. In fact, she did not remember me asking her “Have you ever thought about religious life”, one night in high school, a full 4 years before she would explore this path on her own. I can also now tell you, I had absolutely no clue what it would mean for her, our family, and me when I asked that question.

I can remember the night of our discussion about her entrance, after she asked for “Papers” (the start of the formal entry process), and I always will. Every time I ponder this event I still get quite emotional. We were standing in the kitchen and I asked Lauren, “So what does this mean, what will happen to us and our relationship?” I don’t know if she didn’t truly know at that point, or had not asked questions of that sort of her community, but the result was not a lot of answers for me.

As I stood there with what felt like a lump of glass shards in my throat, I tried to continue the conversation. As Lauren explained to me her call from God, and that she needed to answer it, I was in total shock at what was being asked of her, and me as her father. I know most people are aware of the concept of a call from God, and I certainly felt that I had a cognitive understanding, but in my heart of hearts I was clueless. However at that moment when I was in some of the most excruciating pain I had felt, I looked into Lauren’s face and saw absolute calm, and absolute peace! She became my consoler.

It was at that moment that I knew that this was not about me, but a true divine calling that my daughter was courageous enough to embrace. In my fog of shock, I received a moment of clarity where I knew this was about the unconditional love and support of a father, and that father was me!

A few short months later the Sister’s of St. Francis the Martyr of St. George formally accepted her for entrance in September. So she would finish the 2nd semester of her sophomore year of college, came home for the summer and then would leave for the convent.

Unbeknownst to us when this process had taken shape, we had already celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter as a family for the last time. Although we had suspicions as we were going through that period, we didn’t know, and didn’t ask. There were times during this transitional phase that we were trying to live normally, all the while having an overarching feeling that we were doing things for the last time. In the end you just have to live life, as you can’t make everything a special occasion.

As you can imagine taking her to the convent was a difficult day, and leaving the property was filled with tears and heartache. I also want you to know that by this time I had come to know many of the sisters of her community and had learned that they genuinely loved and respected her, and truly appreciated her for who she is. This was and is an incredible gift, to know that the sisters have embraced my daughter this way.

In my daughter’s (Sr. M. Gemma, FSGM) community the initial formation process is three years in length consisting of a Postulant year, and two years in the Novitiate. This was a time of transition and learning not only for my daughter, but also for my family and me as well. This is when I truly came to understand what our life would look like, for the next three years.

I found it helpful to look at short periods of time that I referred to as the “New Normal”. During this time we discovered when we could see her, when we could write to her, when she could write to us and when we could have a phone call. So armed with the knowledge of these intervals I set my calendar, both literally, and emotionally, to establish how I would maintain and grow the relationship with my daughter. This starts a rhythm, a back and forth flow of communications and visitation. The three years of the Novitiate has its own rules, and processes, that in her community change somewhat when she takes vows and becomes a Professed Sister.

Sr. Gemma took three vows, the vows of poverty, virginal chastity, and obedience. I often joked, “My daughter took vows, I didn’t.“ That is not what I believe today. I believe that in my unconditional love and support of my daughter, and honoring who she is as a consecrated religious, I have embraced the vows of poverty, and obedience especially. What I mean by this is, I have taken on the poverty of not seeing my daughter, not speaking with her when ever I want, having the majority of communication via “snail mail”, not having her home for the holidays, etc. I have accepted obedience to the community by adhering to their guidelines for contact, visitation, and rules. I will tell you that as her father I’m always looking for the loophole!

Over the years Sr. M. Gemma has moved from the Novitiate, taken first vows and has been renewing them annually. God willing, she will take final vows before too long. She has been sent back to school and will complete her BS in Nursing soon, and serve her community of sisters and the local public in their hospital.

Since her entrance I have witnessed the blossoming of my daughter as a woman, and a sister. I have seen her discover the woman, and sister that God has called her to be. I have come to know and love many of the sisters of her community and feel deeply, that they are my family too! As they say a “Dad can never have enough daughters!”

My wife, son, and I have progressed through this phase of our lives differently processing things in our own way, and in our own time. I have come to realize that the dreams I had for my daughter, though different than what I envisioned, have come true. I always taught Sr. Gemma to set goals and follow her dreams, I taught her to never compromise, I taught her that anything was possible, and never give up! I wanted for my daughter a life of happiness, health, love, fulfillment, and to discover who God wanted her to be.

While these elements are being realized, the dream I had formulated for her as her father has changed, a dream that was never guaranteed. I am blessed by my daughter, blessed by her community, blessed by her vocation, blessed by her sacrifice, and blessed by her love and prayers!

A humble and blessed father,

Tom Kissel

Our little family was thrown for a loop when our daughter at nineteen announced her decision to seriously discern religious life. Just as with most things for married couples even when having the same goals and beliefs, we settled into two different approaches to processing the news of our daughter’s desire to become a consecrated religious; and enter the convent.

While I received the news more as an announcement, Lauren’s mom had been made aware of her online search for communities to visit some time before. I tend to process problems or hurdles by putting a plan in place, executing the plan, and reaching a solution. This however was nothing like that; there was no plan, or obvious solution. I would say I did take a more rational and direct approach trying to figure out what this decision meant and how it would affect our family and me. In the end I came to the conclusion it was about acceptance, by this I mean, I needed to come to grasp with her decision on my own terms. My acceptance was and still is unconditional love and support of her decision.

Patty had a different approach, focusing on the blessings of Lauren’s decision and denying the personal sacrifices that it entailed. She does not recommend this approach, because as she found out, no one has the power to avoid grief, or the stages of the grieving process. This approach merely delayed and intensified the process of grieving and complicated her relationship with Lauren, especially during visits. In the future Patty is counting on God’s grace to recognize and accept sorrowful emotions as they occur.

Lauren had often expressed her desire to become a mother with plenty of children. The fact is, the dream of being grandparents ended with her decision, and continues to be a topic of emotion, grief, and discussion for the two of us. We are now attending the weddings of many of Lauren’s peers that has us confronting, and revisiting this topic. Her cousins, and friends are also now starting families, this asks both Sr. M. Gemma and us to trust in God’s plan. While not a biological mother, it is so beautiful to see Sr. M. Gemma become a spiritual mother to a classmate, fellow sister, or patient.

It’s not just in times of special occasion but the living of the everyday life that brings to the surface that your child is no longer present and accessible. So it’s important to understand and appreciate how this affects the other parent. For us, there are many different sensitivities that can take an emotional toll, and the support of the other spouse is essential. Sometimes it is as simple as one of us saying, “I miss Lauren,” and the other just listening. Extra hugs go a long way!

We also share in the absolute joy of our upcoming visits long before the actual day. Reuniting with our daughter is heavenly, and becomes a focal point of our calendar. We take the opportunity on our visits to include family traditions, favorite meals, outdoor games, and activities. It is important for each of us to maintain and grow our personal relationship with each other. We have incorporated spending one-on-one time into each visit, which has become a highlight for both Sr. M. Gemma and us.

Especially the first few years, saying goodbye after a visit was extremely hard. In some ways it feels like giving up your child all over again. We found it helpful to know that the next day or so can be difficult and to be gentle with yourself and your spouse. Maybe add something special to your day, or plan an easier day, if your schedule allows.

The fact that our daughter will never be home for major holidays is very difficult, with the first year certainly being the worst. For us, Christmas and the weeks surrounding it are the hardest because of all of the family functions coupled with the fact that even distant family members usually make it home for some portion of the holiday. We have found joy in keeping some of our old traditions while looking for new ones to add to the mix.

It is important to us that our son and Sr. M. Gemma maintain and grow their relationship since he also experiences separation as a result of her decision. We encourage them to take private time during our weekend, and home visits so they can just be siblings. We also have sacrificed some of our phone calls, or letters so she can share a special situation or event with just her brother.

The joy of getting mail, when we receive it, or when Sr. M. Gemma receives it on the other end is a reason to rejoice. Nothing lights up our day quite the way of opening the mailbox and finding a letter from Sr. M. Gemma. We always save it for when both of us can sit side by side and read it together. Since the earliest days, Sr. M. Gemma’s mom has been transposing her letters to be sent out via an email distribution list to family and friends. Sr. M. Gemma’s letter via email allows others a meaningful look inside her life. One of the greatest gifts to others through this process has been the comments about how her letters have aided them on their spiritual journey.

We have found that our growth in love and acceptance of Sr. M. Gemma’s life, her community and our integration, is partially the result of adopting some elements of the religious way of life. When our visit takes us to one of the convents we have had the opportunity to join the sisters in communal prayer (Liturgy of the Hours), mass and the sacraments. Sr. M. Gemma’s community highlights Feast Days as a special celebration, which we now recognize by sending personal cards. As an act of poverty the sisters make cards for family and friends instead of store bought. We have also adopted the practice of making cards for many of these special occasions. This has been a great activity in our home challenging our creativity. This is also an intimate connection that deepens our affection, and relationship to the card recipient.

So even though we started this journey with doubt and wounded hearts, through loving and supporting Lauren and her acceptance of God’s call, today we are more blessed than we could have ever imagined.